You're All Good, He's All Back: Splitting

The term, “defense mechanism” was first defined and elaborated by Sigmund Freud. It is a way the mind has of protecting us from overwhelming anxiety. Consequently, it is part of the type of therapy referred to as psychodynamic therapy. While many of psychodynamic concepts are no longer in use, splitting remains useful and relevant concept in psychotherapy.

While splitting is often associated with Borderline Disorder, it can be used by anyone at any time if they are under enough pressure, stress, anxiety and anger.

Some people talk about the fact that, when splitting, a person is thinking about a situation only in “right or wrong, black or white” terms. In other words, if you have a heated discussion with someone who disagrees with you, Person A, that person becomes an entirely bad individual with no redeeming qualities. On the other hand Person B, who agrees with your point of view, becomes all that is good, the paragon of all that is right in the world. As Neel Burton, Psychiatrist, points out, splitting is a form of self-deception because it is not based on reality.

The important facet off splitting that needs to be included and understood in the discussion has to do with bringing a third party into a conflict. Here is an example representing what many psychotherapist deal with from time to time.

Example of splitting:

“Let us say that I am a psychotherapist in an outpatient clinic somewhere in the U.S.A. I am part of a team whose leader is the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist serves as the leader or director of outpatient mental health services, writes prescriptions for patients who need them after he meets with them and supervises advises each therapist in the clinic.

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Let us say that this hypothetical me is working with a female patient, roughly 50 years old, who has depression and meets with me for psychotherapy once per week. She is pleasant, nicely dressed and smiles a great deal. Her smile and cheerfulness cause me to feel some discomfort and makes me worry about what may be going on in her mind, behind the smile.

Sure enough, one day the psychiatrist comes to me and discusses with me the fact that this patient complained to him about me and asked for another therapist. He quickly pointed out that she was Splitting by withholding her anger at me and going behind my back to him. He informed the patient that she needed to discuss her issue with me rather than going to another therapist adding that she can always see someone else if she still wants to after discussing her complaint with me. He and I worked on a strategy on how to help her with her splitting without causing her to feel blamed, criticized or misunderstood.

At the next session she and I talked about what had happened. She revealed that she was angry about something I had said several weeks ago but did not confront me for fear that I would be very angry and scold her. This is what her father did anytime she tried to talk to him. She was surprised that I was not angry, did not scold her, did not mind her going to the psychiatrist and was now comfortable that she could discuss with me any time I may anger her in the future. She left the session feeling greatly relieved. Her therapy progressed in a very positive direction for her as she headed toward mental health.”

Please understand that this can happen between any two people. It often involves gossip behind the backs of other people resulting in someone getting offended. Of course, what is offensive is that the target of the gossip was never directly addressed about the problem.

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This type of thing can happen between husband and wife if one of them goes to an outside party to complain or if the children are used to be the third party, something that happens all too often. In this scenario either parent or husband or wife can be viewed by the other as either all bad or all good. The children can be used to reinforce either parent's point of view, as often happens in divorce situations.

Splitting is the force behind racial and ethnic prejudice. Today, there is a tendency, a bad one, to view all Muslims as bad and all Christians as good. A very good friend of mine, a highly educated person, is convinced that all Republicans are bad and all Democrats are bad. This black and white simplistic way of viewing people is damaging to the ability to have healthy relationships with others. It makes the world appear as though there is only one good way to think and to be. It is this kind of thinking that can lead to hatred, prejudice and war. That is why splitting is seen as a very primitive defense mechanism against fear and anxiety.

Help is available. Please contact Dr. Schwartz via Email at [email protected] or at: 
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