The Dysfunctional Family and the Role fo the Scape Goat

The Narcissist and his/her Child:

"Narcissists are master projectors. No-one is better at looking directly at a person and seeing not who that person is, but who they wish for them to be. When a narcissistic parent looks at their child, they are capable of seeing many things: a source of narcissistic supply, an impediment to their lust for power, the inconvenience of a child's feelings and needs, a string of intolerable annoyances, unwanted limitations, and a myriad of other possibilities. But never the actual child."
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Identified Patient is a term used in a clinical setting to describe a person in a dysfunctional family who has been unconsciously selected to carry the burdens and problems of family disturbances. This individual becomes the whipping post or target of all kinds of abuse so that the family unit does not have to face up to and find solutions for the family dysfunction. Another way of putting it is to say that the Identified Patient is the family scapegoat. Very often it's the narcissitic parent who is the source of abuse.

During the many years of my psychotherapy practice, I have come across cases where the client presented with the problem and complaint that they felt picked on and excluded from their family of origin. Even though they were now adults, they were distressed, anxious and depressed, despite the fact that they had their own families with husbands or wives, children, careers and friends. Yet, they were experiencing life as though they were still children living in their parental home.

The most popular term used to characterize families who bully and scapegoat is dysfunctional. What is a dysfunctional family? This is a family in which conflict, misbehavior, child neglect and abuse occurs continually and regularly. Dysfunctional families fail to provide for the children's emotional and physical needs. Communication patterns limit the child's expression of feelings and needs. Such a child develops low self-esteem and comes to think that their needs are not as important as those of others. This is the type of family that is likely to blame the child for his problems and that of the rest of the family.

The Narcissistic Personality Disordered parents vent their own frustrations, aggression and hatred against the targeted child. This type of parent unites the other children and family members by convincing them that this one child is guilty of causing everyone's problems. In this scenario, the parent goads the other children to pick on the one. None of this stops in adulthood. Of course, the child whose personality is most like the personality disordered patient is targeted because that parent sees in the child everything they hate about themselves. Here, too, this pattern continues into adulthood.

What drives a parent to behave in such a destructive way? On the one hand the narcissistic parent expects perfection. Anything that implies failure is threatening because it fails to satisfy the demands of the parent for perfection. At the same time, the child's successes can threaten the narcissistic parent who feels extremely insecure and envious of the child. The child who is chosen as the scapegoat is a convenient target for this parent's frustrations, insecurities and hatred. The other children are spared because the one child is the proverbial sacrificial lamb.

The question that scapegoats face is what can they do to deal with the problem? While one might think this should not be a problem for an adult, the fact is that these people become depressed, anxious, withdrawn and even, in the worst cases, suicidal. There is no way to underestimate the fears, self hatred and desperation these individuals come to feel. It is common for them to believe what the family tells them and they come to accept all of the blame and finger pointing, despite the fact that it’s untrue.

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Common strategies used by the scapegoat usually end in failure and even worse. I have seen situations where the scapegoat argues and pleads their innocence before the family only to find themselves further blamed and persecuted. The sad fact is that rational and reasonable discussion is impossible. So, what is a person to do?
Over the years I have recommended family therapy for this situation. Given the nature of the family dynamics involved, none of the families have been willing to attend, not even for the sake of their loved one. The only other alternative that I have suggested and which has been used in a few desperate cases, is to walk away from the family of origin by severing all ties.

This is not a decision that is easily made, especially when mothers and fathers are involved. However, given the fact that these very same parents constantly express cruelty to their adult child with unfortunate emotional consequences, there is nothing else to do. It’s important to remember that the reason for severing all ties is preservation of one’s emotional health. It’s also important to remember that these victims often have their own successful families.

The bottom line is that making someone the scapegoat is abuse, whether that person is a child or adult.

Dr. Schwartz can be reached at [email protected]

Allan N. Schwartz, PhD