Understanding How ADHD Complicates Marriage
The divorce rate in the United States is approximately 50% for new marriages, clearly reflecting how difficult intimate relationships can be. However, when one or both spouses are burdened with Adult ADHD, the problems are significantly amplified. Consider the fact that marriages involving Adult ADHD have a divorce rate twice that of the rest of the population. Why does ADHD complicate marriage and how can couples learn to cope without divorcing?
What is ADHD?
ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. It affects both males and females but, for purposes of this article, I will talk about it in terms of male partners with ADHD. It is estimated that 5% of adults in the United States have ADHD.
ADHD is defined as a "disorder in which a person is unable to control behavior due to difficulty in processing neural stimuli, accompanied by an extremely high level of motor activity. ADHD can affect children and adults, and it is easiest to perceive during schooling. A child with ADHD may be extremely distractible, unable to remain still, and very talkative."
People with this disorder often:
1. Fail to give close attention to details and make careless mistakes.
2. Do not seem to listen or hear what has been said.
3. Have difficulty organizing tasks.
4. Lose the things necessary to complete tasks such as pens, paper, car keys, wallet or pocket book, etc.
5. Are distracted by external stimuli of any and all types.
6. Forget to do things even if they are daily activities.
7. Are impulsive or hyperactive.
7. Cannot sit still without fidgeting and squirming.
8. Must be on the go all the time in a way that is pressured and rushed.
9. Interrupt people during conversations.
10.Cannot wait their turn in many situations.
Among these problems are the reasons why marriage to someone with this disorder is so complicated and frustrating. For example, even though the ADHD spouse may have good intentions, birthdays, anniversaries and other important occasions are forgotten. It is easy for the non ADHD spouse to feel ignored and worse.
Many wives in this situation, complain that their husbands ignore their requests to stop home from work and pick up groceries, put the kids to bed, put the newspaper in the recycling bin and so on. This can be quite frustrating for the non ADHD spouse.
The impulsivity and lack of attention of the ADHD spouse can have dire consequences on family finances and employment. It is common for people with this disorder to spend money impulsively, giving little attention to budgetary restraints. This results in heavy debts that negate any attempt to have a budget and save money. To make matters worse, the inability to keep things organized and complete tasks frequently ends in job loss and unemployment.
Unfortunately, the non ADHD spouses often believes that their husbands are deliberately doing these things. They are viewed as being disrespectful or unloving for forgetting anniversaries and birthdays. They are also viewed as being sloppy, unkempt and uncooperative. This is why these marriages are marked by lots of quarrelling. To make matters worse, people with this disorder tend to drink, smoke pot or use other drugs because of their difficulties with self control. Marriage Counseling is available.
The complaints they get from their spouses echo the types of behaviors they came to expect from adults when they were children. Children with this disorder are criticized for being lazy and, much worse, slow or stupid. The negative impact on self esteem is awful and leads, later in adulthood, to depression, a common feature of Adult ADHD.
It is important to emphasize that these marriages do not have to be hopeless. Marriage counseling, in which there is lots of education about the nature of ADHD helps alleviate the anger and frustration of the spouse who does not have the disorder. In addition, in the context of marriage counseling, couples learn the skills needed to help the disordered spouse cope better with the tasks of daily life. Many husbands and wives can help their spouses learn how to make lists of things to be done each day. One important skill used by these couples is to keep a large erasure board in the kitchen where the days chores are listed.
In addition to marriage counseling, there are medications that help alleviate the symptoms of ADHD. Also, specialized coaches help their ADHD clients learn the skills needed to succeed at home and at work.
An excellent resource is Dr. Edward M. Hallowell's book on Adult ADHD, "Married to Distraction."
Dr. Howell is the foremost expert on ADHD.
Marriage counseling is available for those with ADHD and for everyone. Dr. Schwartz can be contacted at [email protected]. In addition, more information can be found at his website at http://www.allanschwartztherapy.com