Men Who Hate Women and the Power of Denial

Misogynist: "Someone, usually a man, who hates women or believes that men are much better than women." Cambridge Dictionary

Harriet was married for ten years before she realized that her husband was emotionally abusive. She worked as a registered nurse and was well respected by both doctors and fellow nursed in the hospitals where she performed her duties. However, her husband kept insisting that she was a lousy nurse and that what she did was worthless anyway. She ended up leaving the nursing field completely. A few years later she came to realize that this man cursed her and was emotionally abusively. She divorced him and, a few years later, married a man with whom she went on to have a normal and enduring relationship, free of abuse.

Lucille was a forty-year-old woman with a history of failed relationships. Repeatedly, she connected to men who were physically and emotionally abusive. In her most recent relationship, she broke up with a partner who repeatedly lied to her about having affairs with other women. In one argument, he cursed her out in the most vile language possible. Still, she hopes for a reconciliation so that they can marry and have a stable relationship.

It is amazing how long some women can stay with men who are hateful of women and show it through their emotional abuse, manipulation and down-right lies.

There are men who hate women or who treat them accordingly. Yet, these women stay with them. The real question is why do these women love them and stay with them? Susan Forward's book, "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them," is a study of the dynamics that go on between these two types of people. The women are constantly looking for love from unloving and unavailable men.

Why do Some Women Stay With Abusive Men?

1. If there has been enough manipulation, the woman may become convinced that her abusive partner cannot survive without her. In the worst case scenario, the man may even threaten suicide if she leaves.

2. The most abusive type of man may threaten the woman and children with bodily harm if she even tries to leave. These women are too terrified to leave.

3. Finances can be a powerful tool that cause women to stay in unhappy relationships. Fearing not having enough money for herself and her children to function, it often feels better to these women to stay and endure life with an emotionally abusive man, than leave.

4. Instead of using physical threats, some men use the threat of custody of children to manipulate their abused wives into staying. Even if the fear is unfounded, some of these women are so terrorized that they dare not leave for fear of losing their children.

5. Some women deal with a lot of guilt about leaving the relationship. In fact, some of them blame themselves for their partner's behavior. Very often, these are individuals who are ready to take the blame for everything. For example, if their parents divorced when they were at an early age, they blame themselves for that also.

6. Sometimes well meaning friends and family may provoke guilt by saying such things as, "you haven't tried enough," "you are being too demanding of him in your marriage," "he's such a nice guy, how can you even think of leaving him," and many more such comments.

7. Some stay out of a misguided belief that if they leave, they're destroying the family and depriving the kids of their father.

8. Lastly, it is important not to overlook the power of denial in people's lives. There are more than a few individuals who remain unaware of things that are happening around them and even to them. It's a denial of reality and it's serious. Some of the women involved in this would argue strenuously if it was pointed out that they are in an abusive relationship. Denial is a defense mechanism against facing anything that is too painful. It is extremely frustrating to try to break through denial, so the other becomes aware. Comprehensive Counseling Services available.

Is this the way love is supposed to feel?

Some signs to watch out for if your partner is abusive:

*Does the man you love assume the right to control how you live and behave?
*Have you given up important activities or people to keep him happy?
*Is he extremely jealous and possessive?
*Does he switch from charm to anger without warning?
*Does he belittle your opinions, your feelings, or your accomplishments?
*Does he withdraw love, money, approval, or sex to punish you?
*Does he blame you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship?
*Do you find yourself 'walking on eggs' and apologizing all the time?

If the questions here reveal a familiar pattern, you may be in love with a misogynist: a man who loves you, yet causes you tremendous pain because he acts as if he hates you.

Comprehensive counseling services are available. Contact Dr. Schwartz at:mailto:[email protected] 
You can also find him at: http://www.allanschwartztherapy.com