Who is my Father?
"My father used to say that it's never too late to do anything you wanted to do." And he said, 'You never know what you can accomplish until you try." Michael Jordan.
"It is a wise father that knows his own child." William Shakespeare.
A famous baseball player, Harmon Killebrew, is credited with saying, "My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing up the grass." "We're not raising grass," Dad would reply. "We're raising children."
Dr. Kyle Pruett, an author and professor of child psychiatry at Yale University, writes, "Fathers do not mother, they father…Fathers do things differently." Both parenting approaches are essential in raising healthy, productive children in safe and stable environments.
There are lots of families in which the father is present. What is essential is how they influence their children. For instance, abusive fathers have nothing but a negative impact on their children and wives. It holds for fathers who are alcoholic, drug addicted, or criminal. In addition, fathers who are present but uninvolved with their families do not positively affect their children.
What is most important to the family is that the father actively engages with their children positively.
What is meant by a father's active engagement?" ([email protected])
According to some of the research, "active involvement is defined in terms of:
- Engagement or directly interacting
- Accessibility or being available
- Responsibility or providing resources
That last sentence, "and they are the person their children want to be as adults," is significant. The father is a role model for boys and girls for the way a man is supposed to be. As a positive role model, the father reveals the male person as loving, hard-working, responsible, available, and dependable. Of course, a father does not work alone in the family context. The way mom and dad interact with each other and the children helps shape the people they will become.
Dads have a parenting style significantly different from a mother's. That difference is essential for healthy child development. David Popenoe, Life Without Father, (New York: The Free Press, 1996), p. 163.
Dads, for instance, love their children "more dangerously." That's because they play "rougher." They provide kids with a broader diversity of social experiences. They also introduce them to a wider variety of methods of dealing with life. They stress rules, justice, fairness, and duty in discipline. In this way, they teach children the objectivity and consequences of right and wrong. They give kids insight into the world of adulthood. They prepare them for life's challenges and show the meaning of respect between the sexes by setting an example. Dads often get their adolescent children their first jobs as after-school activities.
Fathers encourage competition, engendering independence. Mothers promote equity, creating a sense of security. Dads emphasize conceptual communication, which helps kids expand their vocabulary and intellectual capacities. Moms are significant in sympathy, care, and help, thus showing the importance of relationships.
When fathers take the time to build relationships with their kids, they help them develop their identity, confidence, and perseverance.
Here are four of the most essential things that dads teach:
Dr. Kyle Pruett, a researcher on the importance of dads for healthy child development, explains that infants learn to tell the difference between mom and dad. Dad's voice is more profound, his hands are more extensive and rougher, his play is more physical and stimulating, and he smells and acts differently. Dads teach their kids that they differ from moms. Dad points the children toward adulthood.
Children's confidence develops primarily through their fathers because Dads are likelier to encourage their sons to take chances. Take two simple experiences from infancy and later childhood.
Moms seldom encourage their kids to climb trees. As mothers, they focus on safety. Dads are more likely to push limits. "Hey, try going up to that next limb. Don't be scared, and I'll talk you through it." When kids take the chance and succeed, they learn they have what it takes to do hard things. This connection is essential for every child, gaining the confidence they will need later in solving problems, searching for a job, and relating to a different sex.
We know the father's absence or lack of involvement with the children has negative consequences. Absent or uninvolved fathers lead to psychological issues in sons and daughters, including insecurity, inadequacy, and a distorted understanding of love. It affects the child's ability to form healthy relationships and experience genuine, loving relationships.
People who grew up without a father experience a greater likelihood of depression, anxiety, alcohol and drug abuse. Several studies have shown a correlation between the absence of a father and an increased risk of aggressive behavior. This aggression is sometimes viewed as a coping mechanism or a way to mask underlying feelings of vulnerability.
I am available for consultation and psychotherapy. If you grew up in a single-parent home like I did and experience depression, anxiety, and difficulty being assertive, please get in touch with me via Email.